Why Your Goals Aren't Happening (And the One Thing That Will Change Everything)

Dylan Bennett
3 days ago
7 min read

You've written down your goals. You read them every morning. You're putting in the work.

So why aren't you seeing results?

Here's the truth that took me almost 20 years to learn: You'll never achieve the dreams you want unless you go after them with intention.

Writing goals down and reviewing them daily does help. But that's not why we succeed.

Let me tell you a story that illustrates exactly what I mean.

The Question That Cost Me Four Years

When I was 14 years old, I had one dream: to play college basketball.

Then I got cut from the freshman team.

For a kid who hoped he'd be suiting up for varsity by junior year, this was devastating.

But I didn't quit. I spent the next year in the gym—working on my defense, improving my ball handling, playing pickup games constantly to try and get better.

The following year, I made the JV team. I was proud. Really proud.

I'd gone from getting cut to making the roster. I'd worked hard, put in the hours, and achieved my goal.

Except I hadn't really achieved my goal at all.

Looking back now, almost 20 years later, I can see my critical mistake: I asked myself the wrong question.

The question I asked myself was: "How can I make the team next year?"

The question I should have asked was: "What can I do to become the best player on the team next year?"

Do you see the difference?

The question I asked got me on the roster. The other would have changed my entire trajectory.

Maybe I wouldn't have been the best player on the team, but with that level of intention behind my effort, I probably would have been one of the top players. I might have actually reached that college basketball dream.

But I never asked that question. Not once in high school. And so I never got there.

In college, I played intramurals, helped establish a club team, and played for it. But I didn't hit my real goal because I didn't have the right intention behind my effort.

Intention + Effort = Results (You Need Both)

Every goal you have in life needs two things: intention and effort. Not just one—both.

You can be the hardest worker in the room, but it doesn't mean shit if your eyes are closed.

You can put all that effort forward, but if you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter. Your intention is what sends that effort in the right direction.

This applies to everything:

Want to improve your relationship with your spouse? You have to be intentional about it.
Want to be more present with your kids instead of being a vegetable on the couch scrolling on your phone? You have to be intentional about it.
Want to see your friends and family more? You have to be intentional about it.
Want to leave your job and start a business? You have to be intentional about it.
Want to lose weight, gain muscle, or just feel better in your body? You have to be intentional about it.

The things worth having are going to be challenging to achieve. That's not a bad thing—it's actually exactly what you want. It means only those willing to work hard enough AND put sufficient intention behind it will actually succeed.

The Three Mistakes That Kill Your Goals

Over the years, I've noticed 3 common mistakes people make with their goals, all of which I've made.

Mistake #1: You Didn't Make a Plan

Maybe you wrote down a few goals in a journal or a note on your phone. But now they're not happening.

I did this one for years.

I had goals written down everywhere, but I never really had a plan behind them. I just put them out there. And the big goals that would have actually changed my life? They didn't happen because I didn't have a plan.

Here's what you need to ask yourself:

What specific tasks do I need to complete?
What habits do I need to build?
What milestones do I need to reach between here and the end goal?
What skills do I need to learn, or what classes do I need to take?
WHO do I need to become to make this happen?

Chances are, you don't have all the skills necessary just yet. And if it's a meaningful goal—something worth putting serious effort into—you're definitely going to need to learn some new things.

Mistake #2: You're Going Through the Motions

Maybe you wrote down the goals. Maybe you even made a plan.

But you haven't actually changed anything.

It's all out there on paper—in a Notion doc, on your whiteboard, or vision board, but you're not doing anything different.

You didn't change your habits. You didn't change the way you live.

Here's the thing: The person on the other side of that goal is a specific type of person.

You have to become that person BEFORE you achieve the goal.

You don't just achieve the goal and suddenly transform into a different person. You have to make those changes now. You have to understand what kind of person you need to become, then reverse engineer it from there.

You determine the habits and the little things you need to do throughout the day.

You determine the tasks you need to accomplish.

You become that person, and THEN you start making real progress toward achieving the goal.

What you're doing instead is staying comfortable. You're giving yourself excuses not to do the things necessary to reach your goals.

And that's exactly why you haven't seen any changes—because you're not making any changes.

In order to change, you have to make changes. (Sounds obvious, right? But most people miss this.)

Mistake #3: You're Doing the Same Thing Every Day

Let me use a common goal as an example: improving your relationship with your significant other.

You both say you want things to be better. You want to be more present with each other, more engaged. But nothing changes.

Here's what probably happens:

You come home from work. You make dinner. You turn on a show or some sports. You watch a few episodes. Then you shower and get ready for bed.

That's every single night.

If you want things to be better, you have to make changes.

Now, don't get me wrong, routines are NOT bad. My life is filled with them.

Good morning routines and bedtime routines can make your life easier, help you sleep consistently, and improve your life. Our minds and bodies thrive on routines.

But when it comes to things you want to change and grow, you have to modify those routines.

Instead of just turning on a show and sitting on the couch together (which isn't inherently bad—lots of couples do this, and that's totally fine if that's the type of relationship you want), you have to change your routine to include the things you say you want.

If you want more meaningful conversations, schedule them. Turn off the TV two nights a week and actually talk. Put your phones in another room and ask each other questions about your day, your dreams, your fears.

If you want something to be different, you have to DO something different.

Our goals only thrive when our routines lead us toward becoming the person we want to be.

How to Actually Make Your Goals Happen

Here's the framework that actually works:

Step 1: Set the Goal (With the Right Question)

Don't just ask "How can I achieve this?"

Ask "Who do I need to become to make this inevitable?"

Instead of asking "How can I lose 20 pounds?" ask "Who is the person who maintains a healthy lifestyle?"
Instead of asking "How can I get promoted?" ask "What would make me invaluable to this organization?"
Instead of asking "How can I improve my marriage?" ask "What kind of partner does my spouse need me to be?"

Step 2: Make the Plan

Reverse engineer who you need to become:

What are the daily habits of that person?
What skills do they have that you don't?
How do they spend their time?
What do they prioritize?
What have they learned that you haven't?

Write it all out. Be specific. This isn't just a vision board exercise—this is your blueprint.

Step 3: Make the Changes NOW

This is where most people fail. They have the goal. They have the plan. But they don't actually change their behavior.

You have to become uncomfortable.

If your current routines and habits were going to get you to your goal, you'd already be there. You need new routines. New habits. New ways of spending your time and energy.

Start small if you need to, but starting is the most important step. Make something happen TODAY.

Step 4: Put Your Head Down and Work

Once you know the direction is correct, execute relentlessly.

You can always adjust the plan as you go. But once you have that intention set—once you know you're asking the right questions and moving in the right direction—it's time to put in the effort.

Don't just write it on a vision board and hope the universe delivers.

Don't just talk about what you want and hope it happens.

Go out there and get it.

Your Time and Energy Are Everything

Here's what I wish I could tell my 14-year-old self:

Your time and energy are your two most precious resources. Be intentional with them.

It's not enough to work hard. It's not enough to want it badly. You need both intention AND effort, aimed in the right direction.

The things worth having are going to be hard to get. That's a feature, not a bug. It means when you do achieve them, they'll actually mean something.

Take Action: Your 5-Minute Exercise

Right now, grab a piece of paper or open a note on your phone. Answer these questions:

What's one goal I've been "working on" but haven't actually made progress on?
What question have I been asking about this goal? (Be honest—write it down.)
What's the BETTER question I should be asking? (Think bigger. Think about who you need to become.)
Based on this new question, what's ONE thing I can change about my routine this week?

The Lesson I'm Teaching My Sons

If the things you want are worth having, they're going to be hard to get. Start with the intention, make sure the direction is correct, then put your head down and work.

Set the goal.

Make the plan.

Make the changes necessary to execute that plan.

Then go make the goal a reality.

Now stop reading and go do something intentional with your day.

This post is based on Episode 1 of Letters from Dad, a subset of the DYB Podcast, a podcast about personal development, intentional living, and the lessons worth passing down. Listen to the full episode on Apple or check it out on Spotify.

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